Little Black Book
by Ibuprofenne
Summary: Reno leaves his 'private' little diary in the break room. COMPLETED! MOOHAHA! I'M BACK!
1. One Grandmother

**Author's Note**: I should be doing my term paper on Peter the Great…

**Disclaimer**: FF belongs to Tetsuya Nomura.

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**Title**: Little Black Book

**Author**: RipeTomato (TomatoYaYa)

**Pairings**: None.

**Rating**: T

**Words**: 543

**Notes**: I get bored. So sue me.

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"What's this?" Tseng picked up a small, leather-bound book simply labeled 'RENO'. After undoing the small lady-like clasp, he flipped to a random page and began reading.

Rude was watching with interest; this had to be some sort of diary. Who knew Reno had a diary? Well, everyone knew he would be this klutzy to leave it in the middle of the staff lounge, right next to the coffeemaker. "What's it say?" He asked the Wutaian curtly.

A small, amused expression overcame Tseng's face, and he threw the book at Rude. The bald man caught it eagerly, almost,and began reading the first page.

_**Day One: 2:14 AM. Location: In my bed, eating pizza, watching cheap porn.**_

_Grandmother staying for the month. Don't know why. Stupid fart. She made me tuck in my shirt and even patted my bum as I left for work. I swear, that woman is hell-bent on raising me 'properly'._

"_Tuck in your shirt, sit up straight, don't slouch, oh my lord, what the dickens is your underwear doing in the kitchen sink, where are your manners, don't you ever clean up, this milk is three weeks overdue…" Her yammering doesn't stop._

_When I came home from work today, I found everything in the apartment **clean**. Reno does **NOT** live in a clean apartment. Reno **likes it dirty**._

_Stupid woman driving me insane…_

Rude chuckled to himself as he turned the page. Tseng left the room with a cup of coffee, saying something about paperwork and interns.

**_Day Two: 3:38 PM. Location: Shinra Building Bathroom, 58th Floor._**

_I can't even take a decent dump at home. That woman does NOT understand that I like to keep the door open. The smell diffuses. Anyways, she's making me do things for her. She blames it on arthritis. Arthritis my ass. The woman drives a motorcycle. _

"_Oh, Reno!" She calls with a saccharine smile. "Do be a darling and get me some tea. I like it with a spoonful of honey."_

_I told her I don't drink tea. Beer was in the fridge if she wanted. _

"_Oh, no, Reno. I don't drink. It's bad for a woman my age to drink. Oh, if you don't mind, can you go to the store and get some tea and honey please?"_

_How could I say no to my grandmother, who used to be all… grandmotherly when I was younger before mom died? Hmph. _

_So I went to get some tea and honey, damn it. The cashier gave me an odd look as I did so._

_When I made her tea, she rejects it, telling me it'll "Burn my lips off". So I dumped that and made a SECOND cup. She said that one was too sweet. Mumbling profanities under my breath, I stalked back into the kitchen and made her yet a THIRD cup. Careful not to spill it, I walked back to the now-spotless living room, delicately handing her the tea. She takes a sip, makes a bitter face, glares at me, and says it'll do. Hypocrite. _

Hearing footsteps outside the door, Rude snapped the small book shut and shoved it into the sofa cushion behind him. It was Tseng. Breathing a sigh of relief, Rude fished the diary out again and continued to read.


	2. Two Evils

**A/N**: I gotta write this fast… have to go perform in Long Island…. Oh, and btw, everything I write is short.

**Disclaimer**: Eugh, first chapter.

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Reno was acting a bit odd lately, and it was clear to everyone he was distressed. When an intern accidentally bumped into him and all the papers in her hands were knocked to the ground, he threw a hissy fit and everyone, especially Rude, saw that he was twitching slightly.

"What the hell (twitch)! Look where you're going! (Twitch)" He shouted at the frightened intern, spit flying from his mouth.

Rude cocked an eyebrow and walked away coolly; Reno was searching desperately for his 'recording book', as he called it. So, upon entering the break room, he made sure to lock the door and spread himself languidly across the couch, getting ready to crack into Reno's home life with his grandmother.

_**Day Three: 5:22 PM. Location: On bed, watching more of that cheap porn. **_

_The woman giving off the 'kind, elderly, motherly citizen' look "accidentally" left my red shirt in with my work shirts in the washing machine, and lo and behold-they're all pink. _

_So I went to work, stole some of Rude's shirts, and chucked mine into the garbage chute. A bit big around the shoulders, but it'll do. _

_So, after returning home, it seemed that her cat, Mr. Snuffles, had taken a liking to take a piss on the ground right next to my bed. So whenever I wake up, I step on wet carpet. _

_Stupid cat doesn't even use the litter box. _

_I think I should slay Mr. Snuffles, draw symbols on him, and hang him from a tree… to make my grandmother believe that I'm in some cult, and that'll be enough to drive her away. Or… will it?_

_**Operation Attempted Grand-Matricide** underway._

Reno laughed inwardly and closed the book. My, Reno's grandmother had to meet Sephiroth. Who would be eviler? Bah. Sephiroth might be intimidating from afar, but Reno's grandmother sounded downright horrid.

_**Day Four: 1:59 AM. Location: Bathroom.**_

_Hah! The door's open and the smell diffuses! _

_Score: _

_Reno: 1_

_Evil woman: 0_


	3. Three Problems

**Author's** **Note**: I'll try to update everyday, and they'll most likely be short. I got ONE A. One. Everything else… B's…. C's… a D… even an F. I hate math. I proved the stereotype wrong, so there!

**Disclaimer**: See 1st ch.

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Turns our Reno was secretly in love with the intern that he crashed into. What was her name? Edea…Eden… Eve! Everyone in the building saw the paper fiasco, but didn't understand why he went berserk. Sexual frustration, perhaps?

Rude, being as _rude_ as he was, took the diary out of his inner coat pocket and began thumbing the page after day four. Eh? Seemed like the diary was pretty new.

Tucking it back into the safety of his pockets, he proceeded to leave it next to the unused coffee machine (that secretly held Bailey's Irish Cream that Reno made frequent stops at), so it would appear that Reno left it there by mistake.

Rude knew Reno would leave it there again in a few days. So he waited. And waited. Days passed by, and FINALLY! The little black book, with all its effeminate characteristics, lay innocently on top of the coffee machine.

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**_Day Ten: Sometime during the night. Location: Bed. _**

_Eve doesn't return my calls. Well… after Grandmother picked up the first time she called, I don't think she would be trying to call anytime soon. _

_-Hello? Can I talk to Reno, please?_

_-Who's this? Reno! Is this yer girlfriend!_

_-I'm sorry; you must have me mistaken for someone else…_

_-Say, how is my grandson in the sack? Is he a monster?_

_-…_

_-Well, speak up, girl! Is he, or is he not!_

_She hung up then. Luckily, I was listening from the phone in my room right after she screamed my name._

_Reno: 1_

_Grandmother: 1_

_Ooh… I'll get you. I'll get you and your little cat, too.

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_

_**Day Eleven: Sometime late at night. Location: Bed. **_

_Eve still didn't call. _

_I shoved Mr. Snuffles into a he washer/dryer. It's soundproof in there or something, so my grandmother, even with her superhero-worthy hearing, can't hear._

_Reno: 2_

_Evil Woman: 1_


	4. Four Cheese Puffs

**Author's Note:** its **difficult** updating everyday. After being screamed at for my low report card grades… ugh… mom went berserk and threatened to throw my iPod out the window. Silly woman. I have insurance on that mechanism. Puahah. Due to **Nefertieh's** request, I've decided to add some AVALANCHE. (Just so you know, I'm out of ideas sometimes; my imagination is fueled my monosaccharide. Sometimes that runs low. **SO FEEL FREE TO SUGGEST THINGS**…)

**Disclaimer**: FF is Tetsuya Nomura's.

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Rude was smart enough to leave the diary next to the Bailey's Irish Cream dispenser (A.K.A. The coffee machine that only Reno uses); it sat there innocently until 10:30 AM.

The bald man watched from the side as Reno arched an eyebrow upon seeing his precious little book on the granite countertop, and quickly snatched it and shoved it into his pocket, looking around frantically just in case anyone saw. Rude went back to his newspaper. Elena was busy at the copy machine, and Tseng, the only other Turk who knew about Reno's little black book.

Reno, with his hand shoved in his unzipped and unbuttoned jacket and the other clutching his Styrofoam cup, left the office in a hurry. Rude smiled softly; it was Eve's lunch break.

So, unable to read Reno's diary for a few days, Rude got so sick waiting for the forgetful redhead to 'leave' his diary by the Irish Coffee Machine that he rummaged through Reno's desk, finding the little book wedged in between two rather large versions of **Penthouse.

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**

_**Day Thirteen: 4:21 AM. Location: On bed, eating cheese-puffs and drinking beer. **_

_Turns out my grandmother is the enemy after all. She has this friend whose daughter went to school with this boy who's now a doctor who treats little kids that had a patient whose sister slept with a guy who happens to know Tifa because he lived in Nibelheim for a while and then moved. _

_So along with AVALANCHE… there's an old woman with a cat who might be a danger to society. And Shinra. And the world, perhaps. _

_Mr. Snuffles managed to get out of the washer/dryer. _

_I happen to be missing my lucky boxers. _

_Eve still hasn't called yet. _

_Reno: 2_

_Grandmother:3 _


	5. Five Issues

**Author's Note: **Chemistry should go to the fiery chasms of hell and just… die.

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill.

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**_Day Fourteen: 6:07 PM. Location: At a bar eating peanuts and drinking beer._**

_I had a bad day again._

_

* * *

_

_1. Lillian, who works on the 27th floor, told me that Eve's going out with this other guy. She didn't tell me his name, though. Hmph. Eve had nice legs. And her hips. They looked like childbearing hips to me…_

_2. My grandmother, the stupid Chocobo brain she is, invited Tifa What's-her-name Lockheart over for some tea and crumpets. I came home, saw her, and ran like the dickens. That girl is a wicked fighter._

_3. Someone drank all the Irish Coffees. Have to persuade the guy in the parking lot for some more._

_4. I haven't had a decent dinner since grandmother arrived. She feeds me steaks and mashed potatoes. Where is the love! Where are the moldy two-day-old sandwiches and the cold pizzas!_

_5. Harold the Bartender won't give me free beers anymore. He's doubting my place as a Turk now since I carry this diary._

_

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_

_But I had fun doing evil deeds. I took Grandmother's dentures and painted them pink with her nail polish. Then, Mr. Snuffles, who managed to escape the metal clutches of the washer/dryer, attacked my pants leg. I kicked him off and got a brilliant idea. Bloody brilliant, I must say. Let's just say it involves paint, a razor, and some gel that'll make Zack even proud._

_I'll spare the details… but Mr. Snuffles now sports a white Mohawk. Well, more like a long Mohawk that runs down the length of his back._

_Reno: 4_

_Grandmother: 3_


	6. Six Shitty Days

_**DAY FIFTEEN: 2:31 PM. LOCATION: I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I AM I'M JUST WRITING FURIOUSLY.**_

_SHE'S GOING OUT WITH PRETTYBOY CLOUD! A FUCKING AVALANCHE MEMBER! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER!

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_

_**Day Sixteen: 4:00 PM. Location: Brooding and grilling Eve as she makes some copies. **_

_She's all happy and giddy. Well, if she drowned in a pool of piss I'd be happier. How could she reject me and go for that stupid, Chocobo-haired, prissy, 'I'm still hung up over my dead ex-girlfriend' Cloud? Gosh, what does she see in him? Now who's the one fraternizing with the enemy!_

_Turns out Grandmother had a hand in it. Too mad to write it down now. Maybe tomorrow._


	7. Seven Heavens

**Author's Note: **I put Vincent in, due to Nefertieh holding up a picture of him. Oh, and I had a burst of creativity from making a snowman with a blunt in its mouth. As much as I hate anything that falls from the sky- rain, snow, sleet, hail, bird crap- I had to make a smoking snowman. Hilarious.

**Disclaimer**: I thought of this. Therefore, isn't it mine!

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**_Day Seventeen: 8:29 PM. Location: Sobering up in the bathtub._**

_Madness level 88/100. I'm as mad as Sephiroth being forced into a yellow sunbonnet and made to play with some evil little girl in her tea party._

_I might be going through a 'rejection' stage. I blast "Who are you" by The Who until Grandma comes pounding at the door and I can't hear it. I haven't left my bedroom for several hours. I didn't even go to work today. Eh, who cares right now?_

_When the music slowed down and was in that stage of changing to a new song, I heard Grandma knock._

_"Reno, you open this door right now or I'll have to break it down!" She screeched._

_She can't do that. That door is made of metal._

_"Reno, I'm waiting until three. One,"_

_I kicked my shoes off and crawled under cheese-puff crumbed sheets._

_"Two,"_

_I picked some gunk out of my ear and ignored her._

_"Three."_

_The door slammed down with a large **BOOM** and I immediately sat up, glaring at the doorframe. But, once again, I was scared shitless because another AVALANCHE member was at my doorstep. It was 'Red-hobo-cape-wearing' Vincent Valentine, former Turk._

_I screamed like a little girl and jumped back under the covers. That man was the poster child of schizophrenics._

_"This nice man stopped by, Reno. Do you know who he is?" Grandma asked in her sweet little saccharine voice. It was that voice that haunted my dreams._

_I huddled under covers, pants tightening uncomfortably around the thighs. Stupid dress pants. I prefer living without clothes, thank you very much._

_Grandma took that as a yes, and left me alone with that psycho. I peeked form the covers and saw him walk closer._

_

* * *

_

_I ended up having a nice conversation. I had always imagined him as a brown-toothed, I-throttle-little-kids psychotic, since I never saw him up close. We talked about Shinra, weapons, and Eve._

_I was holding his gun, which he called Cerberus, and when I thought of Eve and Cloud for a moment, and shot a hole in my wall. Stupid, stupid, stupid Eve. I wish she dies horribly in a Mako-related accident with Cloud. Then I'll pee on her grave._


	8. Eight Tears

**Author's Note**: Who-ee. The snowman smoking a blunt melted. **Thank you all for your reviews! **I had a particularly crappy day and it made me smile. You know what else made me smile? The image of Reno with whipped cream all over his—oops. 

**Disclaimer**: Read other chapters. Too lazy to write it down here.

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_**Day Eighteen: 8:49 PM. Location: On bed, eating more cheese-puffs. **_

_Still didn't go to work. I'm crumb-ifying my bed sheets into oblivion. Everything reminds me of **her**. The clock. It's round. Round like her ass. The nightstick on the floor. I zapped her round ass with that. My left sock. I haven't taken that one off since yesterday. Yesterday. I spent yesterday with Vincent. Vincent's in AVALANCHE. Cloud's (FUCK HIM) in AVALANCHE. He's dating Eve. _

_Stupid, stupid son of a bitch connections. _

_After fixing my door and also fixing my grandmother with a death glare, I went into the kitchen and got some liquor. Not some namby-pamby delicate wine, but strong, hard liquor. Johnny Walker, meet Smirnoff. How do you do?

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_

_**Day Nineteen: 2:06 PM. Location: On floor, dipping cheese puffs into mixed drink. **_

_One of Grandma's friend's daughter's friends left me an "Inspirational" pick-me-up book by a woman named Oprah. _

_Oh-Prah. _

_Sounds like some sort of disease of the liver._

_I actually read it. It's actually "inspirational" as it's supposed to be. Why do I have an urge to give away cars and meet famous people? Must be the cheese puffs. _

_**Day Twenty: 3:00 AM. Location: On floor, listening to Mr. Snuffles scratch the crap out of my bedpost. **_

_Went on a date after reading Oprah's book. It told me to reconsider my enemies. So I went out with Tifa. Tifa. Tifa Lockheart, damnit. _

_And we actually had fun, sans the "Reno? WTF GO AWAY BEFORE I KILL YOU!" part. She got friendlier after she called Grandma to see if I was on any sort of narcotics. _

_So, after we both cried our eyes out about a certain Chocobo-head and an intern, I took her out for some ice cream. _

_She liked sherbet. So I got her a sherbet. A mango sherbet._

_Then she started to cry in the middle of the ice cream place, and I realized my mistake. It was yellow sherbet. Yellow like that idiot's hair. _

_So I got her a strawberry sherbet. Red. I like red. Red like my hair.

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_

Nando The RPS King: We all love Reno when something goes wrong for him.

Any-More-Cheese: Well, if Reno DID keep a diary, he would go from sexy bed-boy to homosexual jackass. Not that I have anything against gays. I had a girlfriend once. :D

x Belles Reminisce: Wasn't Reno schizo from the beginning…:D


	9. Nine Oprah Books

**Author's Note: OHMYGOD I LOVE ALL YOUR REVIEWS! **(place an overly-hyper Asian emolittle girl face here) **Due to Crimson Tears' request, there will be some Sephy action. Teeheehee. I'm evil.**

**Disclaimer: **Since my name is not Reno, Rude, Tifa, Tseng, Shinra, Vincent, or even Cloud, this isn't mine. Oh, btw, Eve is not a Mary-Sue. Hehe.

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_**Day Twenty-One: 10 PM. Location: On cheese-puff free bed sheets.**_

_I gave Tifa the Oprah book. She told me she didn't have emotional issues, and threw it at my head. I now sport a magnificent bruise on the back of my head. _

_Grandma hired a cleaning lady who cleans my room and vacuums up the crumbs. Heck, that senile cleaning woman threw the damned bag away. I have to get more. They're selling nacho-flavored ones at the store. The cashier still looks at me funny because of the tea thing. _

_Oh, speaking of Grandma… today was her 65th Birthday bash. It was at Seventh Heaven. _

_An alcoholic streak must run though the family, since the woman could drink more tequila shots than I could. Anyways, it was somewhat of a busy night, and there was a hooded man in the corner slowly drinking a mug of whisky that she kept looking at. _

_So, when they played "**U Can't Touch This**", Grandma got up and grabbed the hooded man's hands and spun him around twice. When she did, his hood fell off and revealed to be Sephiroth. _

_Sephiroth. HOLY SHIZNAT…_

_He looked pitch-drunk… kept smiling goofily and dancing with Grandma. Tifa dropped what she was holding—I think it was a bottle of Bacardi. Hm. What a waste. _

_Then he took out Masamune, and for a moment, looked like he would decapitate Grandma. So, being the dutiful grandson, I ran and swung the nightstick at him, but he ended up dancing happily with Grandma, twirling Masamune over his head. _

_I hit him in the head anyways, and he passed out, right before puking all over my shoes. _

_

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_**i might not be able to update since I have another chem test coming uP.**


	10. Ten Realizations

**Author's Note: I FAILED MY CHEM TEST! NOOOO! **Oh, and for those reviewers telling me to update… **I UPDATE EVERY FREAKING DAY PLEASE DON'T PRESSURE ME EVEN MORE SINCE NOW I'M FAILING CHEM AND HAVE AN ETHICS PAPER TO WRITE. **Thank you.

**Disclaimer**: Bleh. Me no own.

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**_Day Twenty-Two: 8:59 PM. Location: In bathroom, taking an aired dump. _**

_Thank God… Tifa doesn't remember anything. She drank herself to oblivion. The man who burnt her village to the ground, killed her father, and did other atrocious crimes to humanity dancing with an elderly woman related to the Turk she's actually nice to… might've been too much for her._

_Speaking of Tifa… I asked her out and she said yes. SCORE! Then I asked her to have my children. She gave me an odd look and threw the nearest thing at me—Dr. Phil's feel-good book. I have another bruise on the back on my head. Oh, how she shows her affection…_

_Eh. Perhaps I was a bit too… forward with the proposal._

_I had to get new shoes now since the old ones are covered in Sephiroth's vomit… smelling oddly like orange juice._

_Gramma's already planning the wedding._

_Mr. Snuffles looks so sad… Marlene came over with Tifa and shoved his already-mangled body into a pink sweater the little girl apparently knit herself. I wonder what Gramma would say._

_Reno: 5_

_Grandma: 3_

**_Day Twenty-Three: 5:45 PM. Location: Working overtime since I haven't been to work for such a long time._**

_I came to work with my shirt tucked in and buttoned, and jacket zipped and Rude gave me the eyebrow. Elena dropped her coffee. Tseng stared blankly. Shinra made a comment, but I forget on what._

_Eve said "Hello Reno. How's it going?" to me as we took the elevator up in the morning. You really wanna know how my life is going on!_

_"YOU FUCKING REJECTED ME FOR SOME PRISSY PRETTY BOY WHO USES TO MUCH DAMN HAIR GEL!_

_YOUR PRISSY PRETTY BOY BOYFRIEND BROKE TIFA'S HEART!_

_GRANDMA'S CAT **STILL **PISSES ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NEXT TO MY BED DAMNIT!"_

_So Eve, was that a suitable answer!_

**_Day Twenty-Five: Midnight. Location: Watching a 'Five-Star Rated Porn flick' in bed. Mr. Snuffles is watching too. _**

_I don't understand how this cheesy porn is highest rated on the Adult Movie charts. I mean, it's just fornication with dialogue._

_Speaking of cheese… I got those Nacho Cheese Puffs! And they taste like shit. Should've gotten the original ones._

_Gramma just realized her dentures were pink._

_She just realized Mr. Snuffles has a white Mohawk._

_And she just realized her cane plays "99 bottles of beer on the wall" every time she hits it on the ground._


	11. Eleven Gonads

**Author's Note: **Nothing much to say, but if the entry isn't in italics, Rude hasn't read it yet. Thanks for all y'alls reviews :D

**Disclaimer: BAAAHHHH NOT MINE GODDAMNIT

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**

**Day Twenty-Six: 2 AM. Location: In bed, watching another 'Five Star' rated porno. **

It's called "Fantasy". This is one weird porno right there… elves… dwarves… CGI… lots of medieval type-ish sex without the knights. Think _Lord of the Rings_ meets Jenna Jameson.

"Come hither; let my eyes wander upon your lithe figure…" The king, who looks like Tseng for some odd reason, pulls the hot, silicone-ed elf girl into his chambers. She's wearing some sort of sheer, see-through material, and has pointy little ears.

Then he proceeds to romp her like some sort of hormonal animal forced to take meth.

Eh, I liked yesterday's. There's some girl-on-girl action.

Ohmygodohmygod… I had a fleeting thought of Elena and Eve on top of the copy machine…

I'm going to die a dirty old man, indeed.


	12. Twelve Fornicating Videos

**Author's Note:** Got back from a wedding. Tired as fuck. 

**Disclaimer**: FF ain't mine, dangit.

* * *

**Day Twenty-Seven: 12:46 AM. Location: Watching an 'Award-Winning' one this time.**

Let's get down into detail… all this contains is more dialogue, more airbrushing, more hardcore action, and more lube.

Oh, and there's a sad twist in the end. Pity. I almost cried.

Since Cloud broke up with Eve, Tifa thought it would be smart to break up with me to get with Cloud. She's been using me as a pillow-like some metaphorical shit like women say.

So, I've stopped going to work AGAIN, and I'm drowning myself in HBO on Demand, cup ramen, and Mr. Snuffles.

Speaking of Mr. Snuffles… Gramma's been out shopping for a pretty long time now… a day, in fact.


	13. Thirteen Twists

**Author's Note: **"Technologic"-Daft Punk. It isn't the belly dance song, but it's playing on my Playlist. It's… awesome.

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**Day Twenty-Eight: 1:59:59 AM. Location: On bed, watching belly dancers on HBO.**

There are three types of women:

**The Unobtainable**: Women with the bodies of supermodels who are rich, successful, perfect, and famous.

**The Regulars**: Regular women with average to obese bodies that doesn't take too long to seduce.

**The Irritating**: Women that don't know how to close their mouths.

Tifa was a Regular. Eve was the Unobtainable. Elena is Irritating.

_Ayer conoci un cielo sin sol  
y un hombre sin suelo  
Un santo en prision  
y una cancion triste sin dueno_

I have an odd desire to strap some beads to my waist and dance.

I haven't had sex with anyone… or with myself for a LONG time. I feel deprived. Meh.

Grandma's been gone for a loooooong time…

I'm running low on cheese puffs.

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**Day Twenty-Nine: 3:21 PM. Location: At the Station.**

I showered and took myself down to the station with Mr. Snuffles. He fell asleep and is drooling on my lap right now.

The officer was pretty hot. She had those tight short-shorts and an even tighter shirt. "Hi! I'm Officer Jade!" She flashed me a really, really big smile that could've supplied the world with light.

It blinded me.

"Who are you looking for?"

"My grandmother."

"Oh. Does she have pink teeth?"

"…! Yeah, she does. Seen her around?"

"Uh-huh! But you can't take her home. She's been a _bad, bad_ girl."

"…"

"She's been planning to bomb the Shinra Building."

"….!"


	14. Fourteen Terrorists

**Author's Note:** Oh, Hampton, I **_ 3_** you… you got me a Reno poster! YAY! It's hanging on the wall behind my Reno shrine.

-For those people who have really **_good ideas_** for the outcome of his story, just IM me on AIM: Deflated Tomato. I'll be on at around 6-12 PM, Eastern Time US.

-For those girls who have experienced **shrinking a cup size**, you know how **_depressing_** it is. For those guys… It's like your meat stick's growing **_shorter_**. I feel… empty.

**Disclaimer: **FF isn't mine. If I kill Tetsuya Nomura, will it be mine then?

**Day Thirty: 6:16 PM. Location: Where the hell am I! Oh right… the station.**

So Officer Jade slapped me awake from fainting. "Sir. Sir? SIR!" She screamed and slapped me like she was on drugs or something…

"Is my Grandma a terrorist?"

She sat down, enormous DD breasts jiggling. It… horrified me? After Tifa… anything bigger was considered… silicone. "She's been labeled a 'Type A' criminal."

"Type… A?"

"The extreme psychotic ones."

"…"

"Apparently, after the interrogation, the pink polish on her teeth began to disintegrate and after she ingested a large amount. The chemicals traveled to her brain, severely damaging her… what's it called again… the thingy controlling your sanity…?"

I think she was missing it too. "No idea." I shrugged; horrified at the fact that** I** was the cause of her madness.

"Well, she doesn't know who painted her teeth pink, but when we find the perpetrator, he's gonna have it _baaaad._"

A layer of cold sweat popped on my forehead. "_Yeah."_ I replied. "I hope you… err… find him."

I'm in deep shit.


	15. Fifteen Bodyguards

**Author's Note: **Watched a disturbing documentary today at school about women who tried to escape flames from a burning sweatshop and fell to their deaths eight stories down. It was… utterly disturbing.

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill.

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**Day Thirty-One: 6:49 PM. Location: On bed, slowly nudging Mr. Snuffles off the edge to see if he would really land on his feet.**

Two rather odd things happened today. One, being that Grandma's trial is in three months, two days, and fourteen hours, and about fifteen minutes away, I'm extremely… calm? Collected? Cool as a cucumber? Officer Jade says I'm just in shock.

Shock my ass. It's guilt. Stupid blonde can't see that excessive sweating, chewed fingernails, and darting eyes leads to one key emotion. You can bet your ass it's not _shock._

The second shock is…

TSENG HAS A SISTER!

And she's HOT!

Apparently… she's estranged after a fight with their parents. They're extremely distant, and he doesn't even remember her new last name. Heck, he doesn't even remember her new one.

She came to talk with Tseng because she needed a bodyguard. Some weird guy's been stalking her for weeks.

And guess who Tseng assigned!

Rude.

Nah, it was me. I mentally did a happy dance and thanked the seven water nymphs that play in the pool of God's happy little forest. Sorry, insane randomness right there.

So, I'm going to **live** with her until the stalker problem is sorted out. God, she's hot.

Was her name that weird she changed it?

I'm trying to think of bad names. Tsengerina. Tsengelle. Tsengizabeth? Tsenge?

I'm lost in thoughts.


	16. Sixteen Kernels of Popcorn

**A/N**: At my friend Pam's house. She's downstairs, decorating her real tree. See, my parents get a fake one, spray it with air freshener scented like pine, and try to believe that it's real. See, my parents are clinically insane. I mean it. Insane. Cuckoo. Addled in the head.

* * *

**Day Thirty-Two: 9:08 PM. Location: At Tseng's sister's place**

OH MY EFFING GOD! So, Tseng's sister and I were sitting on the couch, a safe distance mind you, and we were watching a cheap porn. The girl is a pornographic movie director.

Anyways, after some light conversations, it drifts to Tseng. "Oh, Reno, did you know that my brother starred in this film that I directed? I forget what's it's called… fancy? Fantasize?"

"Fantasy." I said, a look of horror crossing my face. The king was Tseng! HOLY EFFING SPEED DIAL POLAND SPRING BOTTLED WATER COMPANY VITAMIN WATER FACTORY CHOLESTEROL LADEN FOODS!

Tseng's a Turk with a secret double life. Turk by day, porn star by night. Awesome. I want to be his protégé.

She passed the popcorn. "You didn't know he was in 'Fantasy'?"

I shook my head no and shoved my mouth full of popcorn. Buttery. Egh. Cholesterol. Oh, I've been watching my figure. Haven't been working out much and I'm growing a bulge in my gut. Argh.


	17. Seventeen Sperm Cells

**Day Thirty-Three: 11:37 AM. Location: At Tseng's sister's house. **

Her name is Julia. Heck, that's better than Tsengelle, Tsengerina, Tsengabelle, and all those other names I thought about.

So, after passing out about a half hour later when she told me her brother was an adult star, I got yet another shock. A shock-ier shock. The shock-iest shock of all shocks.

Julia left for work, this time directing a 'Girls gone Wild' in Wutai. I went to get some coffee at the local Starbucks. I like mocha lattes with no whipped cream.

So, I was sitting in the back of the café, drinking my latte and thinking of Tseng's part in 'Fantasy'. The all of a sudden, I look to the side, and some woman spots me.

She points at me and screams, "YOU! YOU! YOU!" And she runs over and before I could do anything, so slaps me across the face. Everyone in the café is watching me now…

"What the hell did I do?" I stood up and glared at her.

She pointed at her stomach. "THIS!"

"I got you fat? Gee, sorry lady, the gym's closed today."

"YOU GOT ME PREGNANT, YOU DUNCE!" She whacked me in the head with the newspaper she had in her hand.

I… I'm going to be a father? Hell, I always thought I was infertile because when I was fifteen years old this girl took a wrench and went on a castrating spree because I stole her wallet. She sent me to the hospital, she did. Stupid wench.

I woke up with a horrible headache, thinking if it was all a dream, but noooooo, I woke up in the hospital yet again, reminding me of when I was fifteen.

Elena was sitting by me. "Oh Reno, you're going to be a dad! Can I name the kid? Please? Please? Pleeeease?"

I wished I could take the intravenous and shove it down her throat.


	18. Eighteen Hates

**A/N: **Great CSI:NY episode yeaterday. Man gets killed by a meathook, frozen in a meat freezer, arms taped up, stored in the back of a truck with potted roses, and dumped in a tiger cage and eaten happily ever after. **I told you I was twisted.**

* * *

**Day Thirty-Four: 6:40 PM. Location: Watching TV as Julia makes dinner. It smells like shit. **

For Julia's lack of cooking skill, she makes up with SM flicks. Great SM flicks. The types of SM flicks you just pause in the middle to just stare at the dominatrix on the screen. Anyways, I think she's making some sort of Chocobo steak thingy with some sort of puke-colored sauce with large round chunks the size of Elena's ego.

Speaking of Elena… after she rudely woke me up in the hospital, I later learned that Jennie got an abortion.

I mean like what the eff, I wanted a mini-me! She can't just go have the fetus vacuumed away and used as fertilizer for some rich CEO's potted plants! I mean, a guy goes through a stage of like when they have an urge to procreate! Fornicate, most likely.

So, Jennie moved to Costa del Sol with her bodybuilder boyfriend. He's so pumped on steroids I bet his balls are smaller than grapes.

* * *

**Reno's Hate List:**

**Tifa: ** Stupid bitch just used me and left me, but then she got rejected yet again. Score.

**Eve:** Evil whore sees nothing in me! Isn't red hair just downright sexy? Aren't nightstick-wielding red-haired men just ethereal? She doesn't think so. She should rot in a dumpster.

**Jennie:** Stupid whore killed my baby. She deserved to die. I'm going to go get a lawyer.

**Cloud:** I don't remember _why_ I hate him, but I just go! AARRGH!

**Grandma**: You HAD to stay with me, you HAD to absorb the nail polish, and you HAD to bring that cat. Wait… where is that cat?


	19. Nineteen Anal Beads

**A/N:** My muse who happens to be crunk 90 percent of the time told me to write this.

**

* * *

**

**Day Thirty-Five: Somewhere around 10 PM. Location: Hiding in Julia's closet.**

The reason why I'm hiding in her closet is because she's been taking some meth and is trying to get me naked to romp me like some animal. Good thing her walk-in closet has a lock on the door.

"Oh REEEENOO," She calls to me, in a sickeningly-high voice, that reminded me of when Gramma wanted me to rub her feet LONG ago. "Come on out and I'll show you a good time…"

I'm scared. The only time I was this scared was when Grandma first bought her double-barrel shotgun when I was twelve, and she wanted to be William Tell. I stood shaking with an apple on my head as she took careful aim. Let's just say that I didn't have a hairline since.

So, the last time I saw Julia, which was about a half hour ago, she had that skin-tight shiny black leather getup and the whip and the handcuffs and all the shiny anal beads and all.

Scary anal beads.


	20. Twenty Scores

**A/N:** Lots of things happened on this lovely New Year's Eve. One, my **boobs **grew. Two, my mother is gambling like crazy. With the money she earned, we could buy New Hampshire.

**

* * *

**

**Day Thirty-Six: I don't give a Cactuar's ass about the time.**

There is a God. I've scored.


	21. TwentyOne Questions

**Author's Note-izzles:** Feeling quite hyperactive, due to some wonderful toxins. Hello, Johnny Walker. Have you met my friend Mr. Hawaiian Punch? No? Oh, how do you do?

_It must be the thing I dissected in the lab today. What was it again? Oh yes,cow organs._

* * *

_**Day Thirty-Seven: 7:40 PM. Location: Half-watching porn, half-writing in book on couch.**_

_Well, (sigh) I've scored. Scoring is good. Especially when the partner worships the Kama Sutra. To put it in shorter terms, she did things---_

Rude had spent five hours nitpicking through every inch of Julia's house to find Reno's diary. Turns out the redhead put it in the most obvious place a Turk would put their valuables: In the freezer.

Tightly wedged between a Ziploc bag of frozen meat and some five-year-old Hagen Daaz ice cream frozen like a chunk of concrete was the little black book. Rude immediately put everything back JUST in place, like a good Turk should.

After hauling the Chocobo steaks the size of Sephiroth's ego into the large freezer, he cleanly wiped off any remaining fingerprints off the freezer door. Then he got cracking. His eyes widened as he read further of Day 37.

Reno could be a millionaire selling X-Rated novels, only if the kid had an imagination. If only. Rude sighed, and then his almost non-existent eyebrows shot back up. Seemed that Reno drew something incredibly naughty. Who knew Reno was the new DaVinci? Human anatomy wasn't some easy thing to draw, y'know…

Rude got tired of reading about previous days. He missed reading about Reno's secret life, but it started to get boring once he got up to Day 30. Too much of a good thing could be a bad thing…

The follicle-less man got up from her lumpy couch, and toured the house, sunglasses in hand. It was quite a nice house, but the thought of Reno and Julia doing it here…. and there… and over there… and on top of this table… was just too… much for the poor man.

He fainted.


	22. Director's Cut

**Author's Lovely Little Note**: **_This is in Julia's POV… when she finds Rude on the floor_.** I was listening to some 'Old-School' Madonna and this suddenly inspired me. Don't ask. _Don't Cry For Me Argentina_, _Vogue_, and _Human Nature_ can go a looooong way…

**Disclaimer: **You see, if I stealthily crept into Tetsuya Nomura's house during the night and slit his throat in his sleep, would FF be mine then…?

* * *

After filming scene nine of "_Legend of Sneaky Hollow_", I got in the car and drove all the way from Costa del Sol back home, buying a venti caramel latte on the way. My day was happy. Vanilla's boobs got fixed again so now they fit her body mass index proportion thingy.

Upon parking my beautiful red convertible, I saw a black company car. Shinra. Tseng? Was Tseng home? Tseng hadn't been home since the "Jalapeno-in-boxers" incident.

But it wasn't Tseng. It wasn't Reno, either.

It was the bald dude, Rude. And being Rude, he was passed out on the floor.

The first thing that crossed my mind was that he had been attacked, but checking his pulse and looking for wounds proved that he fainted from shock. His sunglasses were off to the side and I placed it on his stomach after taking backbreaking minutes to drag his body to the sofa.

I immediately called Reno and when he came home, he made a beeline to the freezer instead of checking up on his partner. Odd. He told me that he was making sure that the Chocobo steaks were still frozen, because if it thawed, we would all get salmonella poisoning and he made up some stupid, rambling excuse. Whatever. I need to check the freezer for anything suspicious.

So, Reno had a few laughs when we stripped Rude of his clothes and put him in drag. I swear, I've seen him at the 'Monkey-in-the-bush' type of bars. Village People would love him.

There was a curly wig in the closet and some extra-large women's bras. The wig was a prop in one of my flicks, and it was filmed in the basement. The clothes belonged to Sherrie, the plus-size porn star in demand. I swear, her thighs can squeeze a man to death.

So, after Reno made a cup and jockstrap out of paper and I made up his face and put the wig on him, Reno decided that HE wanted to put the bra on him. Well, Rude woke up while I was trying to lift him a bit and he screamed. Screamed like a friggin little girl. And he passed out stone cold again. Wuss.

Reno and I celebrated with some cigars and champagne, taking pictures and videotaping Rude making subliminal movements in his state of being.

Rufus Shinra will never think the same way about Rude again…

I called the construction worker of the Village People to come over and party with us.

* * *

**Author's Second Note**: I love the Village People. But do they love me? _Nooo..._


	23. TwentyTwo Modus Operandis

**A/N: I HAVE THE FLU! Oh shit.

* * *

There are times you feel humiliated enough that you want to jump off a bridge to your death. There are times you feel embarrassed like a naked person smeared with Betty Crocker's Strawberry Mist frosting and had yellow Chocobo feathers thrown onto you.**

Rude didn't feel like that. Rude didn't feel shame. When everyone who came to party in his honor passed out from drinking too much, he turned down the disco music and found his clothes stuffed underneath a couch cushion. His patience was tested when a fat, hairy man in a diaper was draped over the couch.

Rude managed to get his clothes back eventually. The diaper man fell to the floor, mumbled something about phenylephrine and ecstasy, and went back to sleep.

* * *

Julia, as always, woke at dawn. When she did, she saw bodies and bottles of liquor strewn haphazardly all around her living room. Grumbling and silently cursing, she rubbed her eyes and got up from the floor. Teetering to the bathroom in her heels, she threw up her stomach contents and washed her mouth with water, checking herself in the mirror before she left. Mascara and eyeliner running down her face… lipstick smudged… looking like one of the girls in the movie paralleling _Titanic_

Emerging from the bathroom unusually rumpled and messy, she paused. Something wasn't right. Oh yeah. Julia went back in and flushed the toilet.

But something still didn't seem right. It smelled odd in the living room. Besides from the smell of spilled beer, it smelled…

Different.

* * *

Reno was the one who called the police. And Officer Jade was the first one to enter, unrolling an infinite amount of yellow tape around the house and living room. Apparently, every single one of the partiers, sans Reno and Julia, plus a missing Rude, were dead.

Officer Jade was shoved outside, along with all the other policemen and Julia. Reno went in with the detective, medical examiner, and the blood analyst. "So, what kind of party was it?" The detective asked as he slipped on some latex gloves to check out the bodies.

Reno fidgeted and leaned against a wall. "Julia and I found Rude in the house and dressed him up in drag."

All three professionals stopped what they were doing and just stared at Reno. "Say, you don't work for Shinra, do you?" The blood analyst asked, checking out a blood spray pattern on the rug.

Reno nodded. "Can I go outside? It smells in here."

The detective ushered him out and gave him his card, not before telling him, 'If Rufus Shinra finds out about this, he's going to lose millions. Don't speak about it."

* * *

The Medical Examiner of Midgar's crime lab was an attractive young woman who did not like to speak. Yet she said more words than she ever did in a few years when this case opened.

Tseng, leader of the Turks and Julia's older brother, was to be trusted on this and swore not to tell Rufus. He accompanied her in the lab. "So, who how did these people die?"

She pointed to one. "Stabbed in the heart." She pointed to another. "Slit throat. Injection of spider venom. Asphyxiation by porcine by-product."

"Porcine by-product?"

"Pork rinds." She paused and pointed to other bodies. "Internal bleeding, and this one," She pulled off a sheet to reveal a pale woman's body. "Died before she got to the party."

Tseng had nothing to say, but was looking around the room.

"Dead for about six hours each. The woman's been dead for about a day. He," She pointed to the one with the slit throat, "Died first. Blood spatter shows he was attacked from behind. Very Jack The Ripper-ish."

Tseng pulled on a pair of latex gloves and examined the woman who had a small puncture mark on the side of her neck.

"Spider poison. Widely distributed throughout factories that manufacture beauty products and beauty labs."

"But the killer's modus operandi is different for each person-"

"Which leads to the fact that there might be more than one killer. Perhaps they were Turks." She said quietly, pulling a sheet over one of the exposed bodies.


	24. TwentyThree Stapedectomies

She picked up the receiver and spoke quietly into it. "It's done."

"Oh good. I was getting tired of waiting."

"I had to find the opportune moment."

"How much do I need to pay you, sweetheart?"

"Fifty grand."

"50 thousand gil?"

"That was part of the deal, wasn't it?"

"Y-yes, but—

The woman on the other line spoke sharply. "Don't you go telling me you 'forgot', since I know well that you didn't. I expect fifty grand to be underneath the third dumpster down the 8th avenue alley tomorrow at noon. I'll be waiting."

"What do you mean, it could have been a Turk! We're not serial killers!" Tseng's usual neat topknot was undone and his hair was being pulled and mussed by Tseng himself in frustration. "I'm telling you, it wasn't any one of the Turks!" The usually withdrawn man slammed his hands violently on one of the metal tables a corpse was laid on.

* * *

Iris didn't flinch at his sudden action, but just simply blinked at him. "There's no fingerprints, no fibers, nothing that shows that someone else was there. It could've been Rude, it could've been Reno. It could've been you, or even Elena."

Tseng paused for a moment. "I wasn't near Julia's house that day. I haven't been to her place since the she put jalapeno powder in my boxers as a prank."

The Medical Examiner blinked at him again. "I think you better fix your hair."

"What?"

"You look like you've been hit by a truck, raped by a rabid monkey, and finally shoved into a washing machine in spin cycle."

* * *

"Well, it seems you have otosclerosis."

"What!"

"Well, it causes you to go deaf."

"ME! DEAF! I'M ONLY 27!"

"You could always get a stapedectomy."

"…"

"The procedure involves bypassing the stuck stapes by making a hole through it to the outer chamber of the inner ear and placing an artificial bone from the still moveable healthy hearing bones through the hole to the inner ear."

"What?"

"Just give me permission to drill through your ear."

"HELL NO!"

"…Reno, I'm a surgeon. I know what I'm doing."

"Well, you know what! I think you're… you're… weird! Yeah! YOU'RE WEIRD!"

"… C'mon little boy. Someone's gonna get a quick surgery."

Reno tried fleeing… but alas, no use. The pretty surgeon had his wrist in an iron grip.

* * *

"Hey, I've I.D.'d the vics." A random worker at the crime lab handed the detective handing the Party Slaughter case a manilla folder full of papers sticking out messily.

Detective M. (Goddamnit I didn't feel like making up a name) sat down in his comfy little chair and flipped though the papers.

Matt Tabram… owned local brothel… had throat cut open from behind.

Josephine Chamos… worked for Shinra. Choked on pork rinds.

And there were several other names, but the one that stuck out the most were Tabram and Elizabeth Stride. Both were names of victims of themurderer dubbed "Jack The Ripper".

How… odd.


	25. TwentyFour Equations

**A/N:** I've been busy studying for my midterms. Can't bomb these...

**D**: I no own. Tetsuya Nomura own. Me go now?

* * *

**Day Forty-Nine: 4:47 PM. Location: At hotel. The police are keeping Julia and me in different rooms, watched by a security guard outside. **

They really think I'm a suspect. Seriously, I mean, I just had a good time drinking some beer and I fell asleep by a wall. Julia was in hysterics, screaming about something, and that woke me up. I got used to seeing dead bodies. It didn't scare me anymore. It scared Julia pretty bad. She looked like she was going to puke… which she did in the kitchen sink.

But the thing that seemed interesting was that Rude was gone. Did he do it? He's capable of doing this…

And the stapedectomy was not as "quick and painless" as the hot doctor said it would be. I couldn't hear out of that ear for two days.

* * *

Do I look like a murderer to you? I'm a damned filmmaker! And a damned good one too! The cops really think it was me. I could see the headlines now…

PORNO FILMMAKER ARRESTED FOR BRUTALLY MURDERING SIX PEOPLE

It sounds ridiculous. Me. A murderer.

This hotel smells like used condoms.

* * *

You'd think a man who wrote complex charts and equations on glass boards and even windows when he ran out of space was clinically insane.

Three people looked on as he wrote, with identical looks of cynical confusion on their faces.

_Seriously, this guy's a nut. _

_What the hell? Okay, so the killer's represented by 'X'. And all those arrows mean what?_

_He's got it all wrong… I didn't kill them like that…

* * *

_

Reno, hands folded, shirt not tucked in, buttons undone in all his Reno-iffic glory, sat quietly in the small soundproof room with the large reflective mirror on one wall. He knew there were people behind it. He waved.

Detective M. snapped his fingers in front of Reno's face. "Reno, pay attention."

The redhead looked solemnly at the officer and nodded.

"You woke up at approximately 10:12 AM, and three minutes after that, you called 911. What was the delay?"

Reno scratched the back of his head. "Uh… hm… oh yeah, we were looking for Julia's cell phone."

"Why her phone?"

"Well, she doesn't have a house phone because she says she gets harassed all the time, and I don't have one because Rude always had one…"

"Speaking of which, where _is_ Rude?"

"No idea. He wasn't there when Julia woke me up."

"You sure?"

"Well, yeah."

"Do you know what he was wearing?"

Reno smiled. "Julia and I put a wig, a bra, and a paper cup on him."

"Is that what he was wearing?"

"I hid his clothes underneath a couch cushion. I don't know if it's still there or not, but the wig was on the dinner table."

"Hm…"


	26. TwentyFive Fingers

**Author's Note: **DUN DUN DUN! I got tired waiting around for an idea... so TA DA! The murderer is revealed!

* * *

"Boss?"

"Yes?"

"Uhm, the money was where it was supposed to be. Fifty thousand gil."

"Good. Now hand it over."

"But boss… Carlo and I were wondering if we could… ah…"

"Have a percentage of the gil? Is that what you want?"

"…uh… when you say it like that, boss, I mean—

"The next time you ask that question," the rather professional woman said, her smile laced with poison. "I take my gun," She pulled it out of its holster at her belt. "And fire it three times. The first one goes in your foot. You won't be able to walk." She got up from the desk, and the large, hulking man began to step backwards.

"Uh… boss?"

"And when you've fallen and hit the floor, I take my gun and destroy your fucking testosterone in the worst way possible. I guess you know what that means, don't you Danny?

The muscled man hit the wall. She took the gun and dragged the barrel across his cheek. "Then, when you're writhing in pain, squirting blood all over the place, I take my third shot— into your heart. Then I'd call room service to clean up the mess."

Sweat began popping in droplets on Danny's forehead.

"So what's it gonna be, Danny?" She stepped back, adjusting her jacket. "You wanna listen to Carlo, or listen to me?"

He paused rather dumbly for a moment.

"What's it gonna be you stupid bastard?" She screamed and hit him on the back of his head with the gun, knocking him to the floor.

Danny lay there, holding his head, trying to alleviate the searing pain in his skull. She knelt down next to him and took his hand. He saw the gun at her belt. He was safe… for now.

With her cold hands she took his left hand, and held his wrist so his palms faced the ceiling. "Who's your boss?" She asked tersely, taking his index finger and yanking it all the way back, until the nail reached the backs of his palms. Danny screamed out in pain. "Who do you listen to?" She took his middle finger and gave it the same treatment. Cracks echoed throughout the room, mixed in with his screams and her chuckles. "I'm going to ask you the same question and I'm going to break all your fingers, and I might move to your toes. Now once again, who's your boss? Who do you respond to?"

He gasped as she bent his ring finger, and through his gritted teeth he managed to say, "You. You're my boss. I listen to you, Elena."

"Good." She replied. "Now go pass the message onto Carlo. I'm going to have a nice lunch with Tseng."

* * *

Tseng, his mind preoccupied with the fact that seven murders had been performed right under Reno's and Julia's noses had a lunch date with Elena. The two sat at a small white circular table outdoors. Both wore sunglasses. Elena looked content. Tseng looked distant, as always.

"Tseng, you haven't even touched your food. Something on your mind?" Elena asked sweetly as possible, trying to keep up her 'annoying little rookie act' for as long as possible. Heck she didn't even like Tseng.

Tseng took a sip of his water. "I can't believe Reno's a suspect. Why would he want to kill all those people? Was it Rude? Julia?"

Elena sighed dramatically. "Tseng, we've been going out for five weeks. Every single time we go have a nice meal, you bring up some odd topic."

"I'm sorry Elena, but it's not in my jurisdiction to—

Elena could recite the whole thing. 'It's not under my jurisdiction to get Reno and Julia out from central booking', without even having to listen. Honestly, the man was as predictable and obvious as Joan Rivers denying the fact she had plastic surgery done.

So she sighed. "I know how much this means to you, so you could just go to the crime lab and investigate. I'm going to file some paperwork back at the office." She said, rather dramatically. She even added a cute little pout.

'Gives me more time to spend that gil more wisely…'

Tseng departed with a chaste kiss, and Elena took out her cell phone and dialed a number. "I'd like to speak with Deborah Gallagher, please. Yes. Elena. E-L-E-N-A. Yes. No. Turks. Yes, I know. E-L-E-N-A. Okay. I'll hold."


	27. TwentySeven Cocktail Dresses

**A/N: I was walking around Central Park East in a dress in 30 degree weather, filming a movie. It was insane...

* * *

"Will you hold, please?"**

"Yes, I'll hold." Elena adjusted her sunglasses and cradled her cell phone between the side of her head and her shoulder. With both of her hands free, she dug in her handbag and fished out her compact. Dabbing some powder onto her nose, she listened to the never-ending elevator music.

There was a shuffling. "Hello?"

Elena put the sponge into the compact and set it down on the table in front of her. "Hello? Debbie?"

"Ah, it's you. You receive the money?" Reno's grandmother's voice sounded hollow… distant.

Elena smiled. "Of course I did. So," Elena switched ears and leant back comfortably in the metal chair of the outdoor café. "How's prison life?"

There was a grumble. "Not. Good." Deborah grunted. "You'd think they'd treat me better, but what do I get? I just get a cell, all by my self. But y'know what Elena? If one person in my cell block smells like shit-everyone else does."

"That's… marvelous." Elena took a sip of her water. "But can I ask you another thing?"

"Yeah, go ahead, hon."

"Why do you want to hurt Reno so bad?"

There was an obvious pause on the other end, and a sigh.

"Deborah?"

"Elena, my daughter Ida was… how you say… perfect. She did her chores, never spoke back, and was completely innocent… until she met the boyfriend from hell."

"Reno's father." Elena answered. Well duh, it was Reno's father, who else could it be?

There was another long sigh. "Jack got her pregnant. My husband and I were going through a difficult time already, and Ida had to get pregnant at sixteen. I went over my head moving out and taking Ida with me. I had to pay the hospital bills for Reno's birth, had to buy all the baby things, since Ida was underage and had only a part-time job as a waitress at a restaurant. And to think… she died on Reno's first birthday."

"She died?"

"Hit by a drunk driver."

"I'm sorry-

"No need." Deborah's concise, emotionless interjection spoke through the phone. "I didn't even raise her right anyways."

"So you want Reno to get hurt just because you had to go through a lot to take care of him?"

"If you put it simply, yes."

"You're… sick."


	28. TwentyEight Conclusions

Eh, I gave up on this fic. I just got a spontaneous idea for another one, called Catalyst. I'll just continue this when I feel like I have the chance.

But if you wanna make me type some more, you can be all creative, and imagine that Elena tells Reno, he blows up but agrees to bring down ol' crazy-ass lady, and then they go on a 007-like mission to save the world. There's a fight scene in one of Julia's studios, and random porn stars are killed.

In the end, as Grandma dies from a bleeding stab wound to the stomach by a stiletto heel from the now cross-dressing Rude, she tells Reno she's sorry, and that she shouldn't have taken that much morphine when giving birth to his mother.

Reno ends up hooking up with Julia in the end.

Elena's fingers get broken by Carlo, the other guy.

Rude is now known as Jenny Jiggles, a drag queen at the local drag club.

Tifa died in a tragic bungee jumping accident. Well, not quite an accident. Reno remembered she used him so he cut the cord, and she fell to her death in a pool of piranhas deliberately set free there.

Chocobo-haired Cloud is now a postal worker.

Tseng quit the Turks and is now a professional male pornographic star.


	29. TwentyNine is a Bad Number

**Author's Note**: I'M BAAAAACK. Three words for y'all. Reinvention, inspiration, and magic. Oh, and denial. That worked wonders.  
**Disclaimer**: FF is no way near mine.

Since I had already spoiled part of the ending for all of you readers who sat on your asses for almost a year now, waiting patiently for a sudden spark of genius to inspire me to continue this fic, you know what's going to happen. Rude is now Jenny Jiggles, transvestite dancer at the local dance club. He joins his best friend Reno in the fight against the evil Grandmother. A fist fight and geriatric kung-fu breaks out, and it is Rude, in the end, who is shown impaling Grandmother's bowels with his hooker heel.

She asks Reno for his forgiveness, saying that she was over-reacting due to heat flashes and night sweats, all typical symptoms of menopause. Reno is just staring at her open-mouthed, slightly panting, a sheer layer of perspiration shown over his skin, hair disheveled, and a fine cut under his eye, just because he's sexy like that.

So Rebecca Gallagher dies. What happens to Elena, Tseng, Tifa and Julia?

Elena's little henchmen decide to revolt, and Carlo breaks all of her fingers. Tseng took the name of Stud Muffin, and became the Ron Jeremy of his generation. Tifa decided to make a career out of doing stunts on TV, and when she wasn't looking, Reno cut the cord. She plunged to her death in a river full of piranhas. Cloud is now a postal worker who sometimes wonders why he thought eco-terrorism was in vogue back in the day. Reno hooked up with Julia, proposed to her after six months, got married, had fifteen kids, (one who happened to look like Stud Muffin) and died after a long, fruitful life.

* * *

Oh, his head. What a mother effin' migraine. Jesus jumping Jews, this was the nastiest pain he had ever experienced. Reno sat up and rubbed his head, noticing that there was an intravenous shoved into his vein and wires and tubes and…

There was a catheter up his—

Where the hell was he? Obviously a hospital, but why? For how long? Christ, he needed a drink.

The stench of cleaning agents used in the pristine hospital wafted from the door that was slightly ajar. Reno turned to get a better look outside and saw the janitor, and whistled him over. The janitor seemed to be shocked to see him awake.

"'Ey mon, youse awake? How is you feelin'?"

"Kinda sick. How long have I been here?"

"Seex monds."

Reno sighed, and put his hand over his face, noticing that he had grown some facial hair and his hair had gotten longer and was untied.

* * *

"So you're telling me that my Grandmother isn't evil, and Julia doesn't exist? I've never gotten a stapedectomy, people didn't just die in apartments, and I still practice celibacy?"

Rude and Tseng, his best friends, shook their heads and smiled from their seats beside Reno's hospital bed. They had changed. Rude grew hair on his head but kept it short, and Tseng sported a gold wedding band on his finger.

Reno noticed it, and Tseng noticed that Reno noticed the wedding band on his finger that Reno was bound to see anyways, and he hastily shoved his hand in his coat pocket.

"It was all a hallucination," Tseng explained. "Like when you smoke copious amounts of weed in the parking lot and you start to see things."

"I know what hallucinations are you dick," Reno said, touching his new goatee. He had never gotten used to the feeling of facial hair. "But it all seemed so real. You were in it, and you were in it, and Tifa was in it, and your imaginary sister, Grandma, and, and, and…" Reno began to ramble, eyes widening in excitement.

Rude held up a hand. "We were watching television in the room while you were out? Did you hear anything?"

"What were you watching?"

"House, CSI… Jerry Springer… porn…"

* * *

"God, that food tastes like shit."

"It's like Soylent Green, except for the fact that it's not made of people. See, in the six months while you were out, there was a world war, and all the food sources were eliminated, and now we live in a socialist country."

"I think I'm going to talk to the chef." Reno called a waiter over and requested the chef to explain what kind of crap they were eating.

"Hi, I'm Julia. Did you have any problem with your food?"


End file.
